When did pancakes become so difficult?

If you have read any of the other stories, it may sound like I have life figured out... I want to be clear - I do not. Case in point, yesterday morning. Anyone else wake up, feeling pretty good and decide today is the day to take on the world? Well, at least the kitchen... Since my diagnosis I find it difficult to prepare full meals. It never fails; I can either go get the groceries, get all the supplies out for the meal, or prepare the meal - but all three will not happen.

I have tried other ways to accommodate this. In full transparency I sit in the mornings on a rolling stool to get ready. My husband was willing to learn how to apply my makeup for me (I'm riding the "I'll do it myself" wave as long as I can). That said rolling stool would be genius to use in the kitchen! (So, I thought)

My goal, a surprise breakfast for my husband! Don't congratulate me too quickly. I had another motive too; I was making pumpkin pancakes. Something he would say he can do without, but when he has them, he reluctantly enjoys them. I say reluctantly because he loves to joke about the PSL craze.

I took the stool into the kitchen and began rolling around like a toddler on cotton candy. I had slept well and woke up with energy (hence the reason for this cooking moment). The figurative wheels began to fall off after getting everything out of the cabinets, refrigerator, pantry, etc. Sitting may be easier, but someone still has to power that thing and my hyped toddler rolling created fatigue way too quickly. I knew better, honestly, I did. Starting like a sprint leads to fatigue before you reach the starting line. I was there. I am sure you guys have felt it, you know you messed up and burned too much energy too fast but there is not an easy correction. I had committed. I had pulled all this stuff out and a pancake was going to get created. My motions began to slow down like a toddler fighting that afternoon nap on a warm sunny day outside - an almost melting to the floor to just rest a moment. BUT NO! I had a job to do. As many of you also know, when fatigue sets in, many of us tremor more. My skill in measuring, mixing, pouring was back to that sugared up frenzy toddler with lots of "oopsie" moments and "uh, I gotta clean that up". I had attempted to enlist the clean-up crew (the dogs - it was pup safe ingredients) but they were even reluctant to enter the kitchen. This should have been a big clue.

So, the pancake part - anyone try to flip a pancake lately with the tremor/dyskinesia movements? My beautiful pancake quickly became a pile that seemed to mimic more of a small pile of excrement than anything else. The first three, sure I was upset - but I was determined. This pancake can't beat me. I can do this... the next two just made me angry. *I must disclose, my husband was downstairs, and my goal was a surprise. I had no idea when he would come back upstairs so I was "racing" to beat a clock I had no time on.

By this time, I have 5 pancakes that look like piles of something from the yard, compliments of the dog. I am sweating, heart racing, right side fatigued, and about at my limit. Recently nearing an off time, I have become sensory sensitive. Noises, lights, lots of sensory stimulation seem to urge that off period to come faster and faster... well, it happened. The stove fan was on (I'm really not sure at what point I felt that was needed), the pancakes made a slight noise while cooking, then my obnoxiously loud coffee pot decided CLEANING TIME! It really is loud, my back was to it, I failed to recognize the noise immediately and when it started growling, I froze - and panicked. I don't really know what order that happened, but I know I was suddenly sitting in the kitchen, stuck, sobbing, heart racing, pouring sweat, unable to move, with my attempts at breakfast everywhere.

Shortly thereafter, likely sensing the silence from upstairs, my husband walked up the stairs. He found me there, having my melt down - and obviously in shock. I don't mean harm when comparing myself to a toddler. In full disclosure, I don't have children of my own other than the 4-legged kind. I have been around toddlers though. They can make a mess so quick, it is almost superhuman. They tend to operate to their own inner rhythm without the restrictions of a societal norm. They have imagination, determination, and spurts of energy that I admire. I share some of these same characteristics. I will not be so forward as to acknowledge which ones exactly, but those that know me have already pointed it out. My point in disclosing that piece is to acknowledge I had managed to create the surprise for my husband minus the breakfast part.

I have to laugh because in the moment I could verbalize the chaos of events, his initial response, "did you try to flip it with your other hand?" Boo, I would have done better with my feet... of course I tried both hands. If you flip something over and your hand flies the opposite direction - left or right won't save me.

Respectfully my husband was a trooper. He calmed me, got me to a safe place to rest, and quietly prepared breakfast/cleaned. There was never a "what were you thinking?" moment. There was never a "don't ever do this again" statement. He thanked me for the attempt. We had some good laughs - and we moved on.

You can read articles about those with Parkinson's doing amazing things. There are people across the world pushing those limits. Its ok to be that person and know, some days - a pancake is what becomes the biggest challenge.

Often times we forget the small things that feel so meaningful and can also be so energy expending. Look for ways to be creative in fulfilling these goals. When I cook, I typically do it with assistance - we make it part of the quality time too.

The other highlight here, I had my melt down, but it didn't have to ruin my entire day. Parkinson's is a roller-coaster. I wake up some mornings ready to tackle anything, that may last 10 minutes or twelve hours. Ride the wave and adapt the best you can. Listen to your body (I'm still learning too) and adjust as necessary. Communicate your needs with your care partner to clue them in.